I have no idea where to start off; not much has happened in the 15 days since I’ve been on here, other then my working! I worked all of last week, my only day off was Saturday, and our grand opening was on Sunday, so everyone had to be there. I absolutely love working at the center, they are practically paying me to learn about my heritage and giving a little b it of incite of tourists. I’ve been going to bed unbelievably excited for the next day to come.

I’m not so sure, If I’ve mentioned this but my old friend Andrew works their, and my acquaintance from school also work with me. It’s been pretty slow since Mother’s Day, I just stand around waiting for people to enter the gift shop, or people to come to the ticketing office. When nothing is happening I usually go and watch whomever is on stage. I also seem to have caught thee eye of one of my coworkers, or maybe I’m just a weirdo who always looks at him and he looks at me for looking at him? But other then that, I get along great with the other staff, even though I don’t talk with most of them.

I want to say I’m slowly healing, and crawling out of depression, but I’m no therapist. I haven’t had any bad thoughts, or seen any disturbing images in my head. For quiet a while now. I still hear voices, but they’re not as bad as they used to be. They don’t put me down, or when they do I shrug it off. I’m trying real hard not to act out things, and I think I’m done a fair job at it.

Tomorrow, my mom and I are leaving for the village! It’s my grandma’s 80th birthday, she doesn’t know my mom and I are coming in. So it should be a good few days while we are there. I want to visit my sister as well, tell her I’m doing alright, even though she might already know.

10:55 pm  •  15 May 2012

oldentimes asked: Just read your post and I have to say, I'm really glad you're feeling a bit better

I’m feeling so much better! thanks. :)

10:25 pm  •  15 May 2012

It’s been nearly a month since I’ve been on this blog. Not a whole lot has changed regarding my life, but a revaluation has happened inside me, that I hope it stays this way for a long time or I just continue to get better.

About two weeks ago, I told myself that on Monday (4/23) I was going to turn my life around, and feel better about myself. Since the week before I had to go out to dinner with my family, and I just felt so miserable. Strangers at the restaurant even noticed and told me I don’t look very happy to be here. I’m a naturally quiet person and don’t like to talk, unless the conversation is appealing to me. We sat in silence all throughout dinner, and me trying not to break down in front of dozens of people.

Afterwords We went to the store, to buy some contacts for me, but something was wrong with my prescription. My mom asked me If I want to check out the flip flops, so we went over to the shoes, and looked. I didn’t find any to my taste, my mom tried on a boot and made a comment that made me giggle. I sat on the chair waiting for her and cried; I was so sad about how depressed I was. But quickly whipped them away; not fast enough for my mom to see that I was crying. When we got home, I went straight to my room and cried and eventually passed out.

The coming days towards Monday I told myself, staring Monday no more bad thoughts, no more putting yourself down, no more self pity, it’s time to get healthy not only physically but mentally. Come Monday, it happened. I woke up early excited and happy, I cooked myself a meal and did some pilates for the first time in nearly a year. I started walking my dog again after I got him a harness and playing with him outside more that the snow has melted from out back yard.

It’s been a week since then, although I haven’t kept up with the excise, I feel positive I can work on that all throughout the summer and hopefully reach my goal coming months. And even though a few bad thoughts about myself have come through my head, I keep telling the voices, to stop and go away. They haven’t gone away but at least have been keeping me motivated to be positive. Only thing I would like to try and stop or reverse is me starting to act out things/ pretend I’m talking to people when I’m alone. I haven’t done it since my sister died, I’m scared she’s looking at me and thinking “WTF?!” So I’ve been really trying not to do it, but I can’t help it.

Things just keep getting brighter for me, A few days ago a woman called to offer me a job; one I thought I was surely not going to get, because I thought the interview went horrible! I guess they liked me enough to hire me! I start this Saturday.

I also don’t have the strong urge to kill myself anymore. I know some of you were a little worried I was going to kill myself. For a day or two, I thought about taking my moms pills, and I was set on that a little more convicting from the voices and I probably would have. But I think it’s safe to say I’ll be fine; maybe for a while, but hopefully for a long long time.

4:51 pm  •  1 May 2012

(Source: thefreedomtoblog, via chharliee)

5:18 pm  •  9 April 2012  •  5,862 notes

I’ve been feeling more alone then ever lately. I’ve been trying to talk to old acquaintances but no one will answer me back.
I’ve been seeking comfort in my man possibly 2-3 times older then me. We’ve only been talking, since he lives in Idaho. He calls me beautiful and all that good stuff; even though he hasn’t seen a picture of me. My imagination has been running rapid over him; thinking we’ll meet one day, although I highly doubt that. It feels nice having someone besides your mom call you pretty.

I’ve been really thinking about killing myself the last day or so. Nothing makes me happy anymore. I even ‘googled’ the easiest way to kill yourself: very stupid, I know.
I’m not motivated for anything: to loose weight, get a job, make friends, find a place of my own. Even though that’s all I want, I don’t want to do it anymore.

I think about taking all my moms prescription pills at once and just lay in my room. Then I start thinking; ‘well I’m so quiet, they’ll think I’m sleeping, and leave me alone. My dead body will just be laying there for a few days before they realize I’m dead.’
I want to kill myself but I can’t, I know I’ll regret it, and miss my dog and family. I know my dog will miss me, and I get scared my family won’t take care of him.
Silly I care more about my dog then my own life.

4:19 am  •  9 April 2012

I was watching American Psycho last night, can’t tell you how much I relate to Christian Bale’s character, patrick Bateman; Apart from being a narcissistic bastard haha. I want so much to tell someone, what goes on in my chaotic head of mine. I want to tell someone, that I see me strangling my parents with my hands, cutting off my coach’s fingers with pliers. When I’m at class and I’m sitting quietly doing my science or math, I think about killing everyone with a shot gun, or I wish someone came into the building and shot everyone including myself. When I’m walking across the street I hope my knees/legs break right before the traffic comes& a car drags my body several yards. I drive like a maniac hoping I get into a car wreck and die. I like picturing me killing people, it calms me down. And I don’t like, that I like it. Its become my normal. I had a job interview last friday& I totally blew it. They emailed me earlier saying they where going to go in another direction.. I was really hoping I’d get the job so I could save up all summer and move out by fall time. I’ve applied to several different places over the past two years, and have only gotten 3 call backs. I’m drowning in self-pity& insanity, while my classmates are getting ready for graduation, working, getting cars, and getting ready for college.. I wish I where them, and I’m jealous. When will I get a brake? When will I get a chance? Right now it seems like never.

2:01 am  •  5 April 2012

No matter how hard I try to stay optimistic, and positive about things, at the end of the day my real feelings flood over my spirits, and I feel unbelievably sad, and depressed. I apply for many jobs, and never get any call backs. I had an interview with Lowes on Friday, but it went horribly, and I doubt they’ll call me back again. My school withdrew me because I fell behind and didn’t earn any credits. So I can only work on my 3 calls I have now, until it’s time to re-in-roll.

I feel so hopeless about my entire life, the way it’s heading, I feel like I’m going to be stuck here with a shit job unhappy and bitter towards every single person on the face of this planet.

Sometimes I think about just going to a mental institution and voluntarily admitting myself in, so I wont have to live in the real world, and deal with everything that reality has to bring.

I’m sitting in the dark, waiting for the sun to rise.

6:19 am  •  2 April 2012

I went to the doctors today, I’ve been having this cough that just wont go away. I thought maybe it had something to do with me having asthma. They did a little test, and my lung capacity was a tad below average, so the doctor is going to send me an inhaler. I also found out my weight. I am now a whopping 228 pounds. Since I found out how large I’ve gotten, I’ve been in a funk nearly all day. I’m so fucking sad, and disappointed in myself. I’m disgusting, and I think people can see that I have nothing to live for.

1:25 am  •  14 March 2012

On Monday, I went and filled out the application for that one job, afterwords Gibby said I’ll most likely get the job, and that the woman hiring me will call me some time this week, to set up an interview next week and I’ll get the job by the end of next week. Well it’s Friday and I still haven’t received a call; I knew it was far to good to be true. When something such as this comes along it cheers me up emmencally, and brings my hopes high, then when the let down and realization comes in, I’m in for a huge tumble down.

A few days ago I told my mom that I wish I had snow pants, so I could play outside as long as I want without getting cold with my nephew. She told me she had these pants that will keep me warm. Just a few minutes ago, she came out and showed me them, I said they would work but are huge. She replied, “well you’re huge.” I small smile faded and waited for her to leave the living room so I could break down in tears.

I just want to be left alone, so I could loose myself in the internet. But my laptop is broken and I have to sit on this uncomfortable chair and use our old shit computer. And my brother is sitting right behind me and I feel so angry and annoyed by him and everyone else. I have no reason to be though, just because I’m not getting my way. I just want a break to get my feet on the ground for once.

4:25 am  •  9 March 2012

The past week or so I’ve been feeling strong. In such ways, feeling more confident, in completing my short term goals. I’m trying to go to school more often and staying longer. I’ve been motivated to find a job, depending of my parents for absolutely everything is driving me nuts!
But earlier today, 5 words brought me back down to earth, reminding me I’m really far away from completing anything. 5 words from someone that means the world to me, broke me into million more pieces, causing me to drop all the pieces I’ve picked up.
“You’re a fucking fat ass.” Says my brother. He was telling me about why his arm hurted; him& his friends started their own little ‘fight club/ mma’ thing. I told him I thought that was stupid. And he laid those words on me. After that I didn’t say anything, the small smile on my face faded.
Completely blocked it from my thoughts today, until now, when Its time for bed. I laid down, and those words came back: “fat ass” replayed over and over in my head until I broke down in tears.
And here I am now, I feel like I need to move away and start fresh. Surround myself with people that’ll make me feel good about myself. I’ve been thinking about moving away for awhile now; even been looking at apartments online. But thought about it and dismissed the idea. On monday I’m going to see my old life skills acquaintance. He called out of the blue to inform me that they’re hiring and I’d be perfect for the job. So come monday ill go fill out an application, as well as ask him if he knows of any organization that helps teens with rent assistance or some short.. I really hope there’s something out there, because I’m just falling deeper into depression living here.

5:40 am  •  4 March 2012